A bit behind.

Yeah, I haven't posted in a while. As I'm sure some might be disappointed to find, this was not because I'm dead. No, it was because of stuff and things.
Anyway. It's been awhile. There were a lot of things, things done and left undone, and I'm behind on a lot of things—especially, I feel, blogging. Thus this post has sprang forth from the mysterious nebulae of my creativity, which of late has been rather in the mood to not shine.

I am doing NaNoWrimo (As I am wont to do.), and—also as I am wont to do—I'm not doing so well. (Seriously, I'm beginning to think 2010 was a fluke, beginners luck.)
The first two days were good—not stellar, mind you, but still good. I got to 4k relatively quickly, but then came to the realization that the words I'd been chasing were a false thread. (Inner editor, not inner haggler. The latter is an evil adversary, but I actually advocate listening to the former, even when walking in NaNoLand. But maybe that's why I fail so much…) So I stopped, fleshed out the characters a little, defining them better, and an outline appeared in my mind like developing film. Then I started writing, using only the opening scene from the original.
Now my problem is that I'm torn between following the outline and not. Mind you, I know the outline has holes, it's imperfect. My vision of the story at the time I made it was, and still is, incomplete. Some things are wrong, some things will change. Some characters might be cut, some will be adapted. Even so, I pushed forward in spite of the doubt.
That's when the Evil Inner-Haggler hit me, striking through said doubt. Crafty he was, but his tactics are known (now). Disguised as Trusty Inner-Editor, he insults and tears down. "This is terrible," he says, without ever offering a reason why or how to fix it. "You're ruining the story," he says, no matter which path I try to go down. In listening to him, my word count has been severely slowed.
Still, now that I'm aware, surely it should be easy to move on? Oh, I wish. You see, knowing he's there, lurking, has made it even more difficult to trust myself. How do I know if this is the right path? How do I know if what I've already written is the right path? To top it off, I've been sharing my words as I type them up, adding pressure I—foolish me—thought would help.
It took me awhile, but I think I've been given the solution: continue from a latter thread, then connect things afterwords and fix whatever problems arise when I'm holding an entire manuscript. Miss Inner-Editor's advice. It's something that occurred to me before, but got shouted down by Evil Inner-Haggler telling me: it doesn't matter, it'll sill be terrible. The fact that I listened is just another example of me cowardly giving in to the course of inaction.
I have yet to fully silence my doubts, but I'll work through them with skill and tenacity, which is what being a writer is all about. After all words have been said, writing is still work.
So that's been my highly stressful last couple of weeks, but it could've been worse. A bit of prayer, a bit of critical thinking, and I'm back on two feet. Thanks, and here's praying that I want fall down again:

Lord be with me as I write,

Guide my pen and be my light.

Grant to me the faith to trust,

To do what I must.

In writing as in life,

Help me to use my gifts

For You.

Go mbeannaí Dia duit,
M. S.